I’m kind of in that mood where I don’t really know what to do with myself besides retreat into a depressed state. I sent a message to my ex (call him M) yesterday asking if he wanted to talk to me and I got no reply. That was really painful. I feel tempted to send something else but what is there worthwhile to say? I feel abandoned by someone I put my trust in. Things were precarious but did it have to end like this? Maybe a lot of the time while we were together, I wasn’t sure how much I liked him, or if I even wanted to be in a relationship, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t care.
I did care about you, sir. And what a painful gesture you have made to not return the feeling: Silence. I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it means something else. That’s what it was with Bo. It was something else. It was never that he didn’t care. Maybe something else is going on. Maybe that’s why he didn’t reply. It’s not that he just absolutely, totally doesn’t care, even though all signs point that. I just want it to be different. I suppose it’s to the point where I’m willing to meet with him and get him to lie to me about the extent to which he cares to make myself believe it and make myself feel happy.
I’m in this whole new world of different people–3 years ago all my world was Bo. Now there’s people who don’t think deeply, and people who act two dimensional, and cardboard people, paper people in their paper towns, and fuckboys. Let’s think about that one for a moment. How to deal with fuckboys? I think I may have liked one…
It’s a fascinating term that has popped up and I worry about it’s implications. Is some male behavior simply too problematic for anything to weigh it out? They become a fuckboy an any merits they have are useless? I guess the definition of a fuckboy is that he doesn’t have any merits.
I haven’t yet met anyone who follows absolutely all the characteristics of a fuckboy that is generally outlined in female conversations BUT I don’t doubt they exist.
Is there an equivalent in the opposite sex? I’m sure there is, and I can think of a few terms for her that people use, but really (and I worry saying this because it paints a stereotypical picture of males, and I worry lately about how we are portraying males) there are some tendencies that you seem to find only in a male, very notorious ones at that. These tendencies don’t exist in females, or if they do, they’re not as dangerous. Yes, some fuckboy behavior is just plain dangerous. There’s exceptions to all of that.
Sometimes I think maybe that behavior in females is just hiding something else, but then, why can’t it be hiding something in a male either? Why does he have to be JUST a fuckboy? Maybe he acts like a fuckboy, but he’s really just insecure and needs some compassion. Or not. Who knows? I try to stay neutral but the dynamics of our patriarchical society makes me think that even boys without insecurities act like fuckboys because they think that behavior is okay and acceptable. News Flash: It’s not. But is it really the fault of the male, or the fault of the society he has been raised in? I don’t think the answer is one or the other. It’s a mix of both. Behaviors can be controlled. Everyone has the power to stop and think rationally about whether or not they are following the golden rule (Treat others as YOU would want to be treated). But society sometimes screws with these thought processes because for so long, there were no mores or incentives to stop a bad behavior. Maybe that makes the term “fuckboy” okay. The emergence of this term as commonplace slang means that even males know what a “fuckboy” is, and they know it’s a negative thing, and no one wants to be a fuckboy.
The thing is, although I did state earlier that I don’t know if I’ve met a true fuckboy with every single one of those shitty characteristics, easily I can call all the men I’ve liked fuckboys. Maybe that’s because they’re in the past, and they’re in the past for a reason, and the reason is that it didn’t work out because we hurt each other and didn’t like each other. So of course that a derogatory term I want to use. But maybe it’s not. There’s lots of guys that suck but aren’t necessarily fuckboys. Also, since I talk about Bo all the time because I am so terrible and pathetic, I thought I should let you know, Reader, whether or not Bo is a fuckboy.
BO IS A FUCKBOY. A FUCKING FUCK FUCKBOI IF I EVER. ok but he is not that bad he is also kind and sweet, and he’s not a player or anything, but sometimes how much he cared vs how much he was in it for the V. This is where I wonder about the insecurities part. Bo is not a textbook fuckboy. He never was and not is, he was just acting like one.
When I dated Bo for the first time, when I fell head over heels in love with him, he was great. He was what every girl wants. And no one could have figured it out back then either. He was reclusive and lied a lot and seemed pretty shit. But I found him out.
When I attempted to restart the relationship in December of 2014, he was truly a fuckboy from planet fuckhead. The love of my life did show up occasionally, but mostly I was treated so badly and let myself believe it was okay, that I deserved it and I had done something wrong. He’s the man, I’m the woman, and I’m a broken woman at that. I was intimidated by him and I told him that sometimes but nothing ever happened to make me feel differently afterward.
So, I’m not really in love with Bo still, I’m frustrated that Bo is now acting like a fuckboy and I wonder what happened to the good in him, and I can’t fathom that it could have just disappeared. And then I see him with this new girl being all happy, and I think, hey, that’s my Bo! You don’t get to have him! I found that part of him first! Or maybe it’s that I think of significant others like a project. Something I must improve. Bo has become shitty, I must fix that. My ex, M, really is a textbook fuckboy, but I give him the excuse that he just hasn’t had enough experience yet with women and I must be that experience and I can turn him into something better, I must fix that. Codependency, anyone?
This post has been very freeing and wonderful to write and I think I just learned a lot. Perhaps the high of my week. I really just need to slut it up for a while, maybe, and if so, I promise, Reader, that my sexcapades will be thoroughly relayed.
thewritingofpassage 