Things have been harsh these past few days. I had some low points and felt really alone. I ended up messaging Bo, and it was a waste of my time. I asked him why he cut me off and he said that he couldn’t handle being told all the time how awful he was. I told him he wasn’t awful, and that I was, but that’s a lie. He simply didn’t understand my condition and I simply acted that way because of it. I told him sometimes you try to throw things away and then they don’t go away, and you just end up breaking, and I had broken a bit just then. He said our relationship was over and that he was really happy right now, it was for the best “ya know?” (I hate that phrase.)
I told him that actually the “it” I threw away that I was talking about wasn’t the relationship, it was him. It was frustrating that I still cared about him as much as I’d tried to ignore him. Then he said “oh, I understand,” but he came out looking like an idiot for thinking I was talking about the relationship.
But he didn’t understand, so I said to him it was just that I sometimes saw him as this little boy, and I wanted to know how the little boy was doing.
So what do I mean by this? When I first met Bo he was such a secret, his real self was so hidden from everyone else and it was amazing. There’s this quote by Bob Marley that went
Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
And that’s how it felt to be with Bo, 100%. And I can never forget that. So that’s the person I think of.
There’s a lot of problems with this, especially in that 1) it would terrible if this only happened once 2) you end up idolizing a person, who is, in the end, just a person. If you have ever read Paper Towns by John Green you will understand the parlous nature of this.
The fundamental mistake I had always made – and that she had, in fairness, always led me to make – was this: Margo was not a miracle. She was not an adventure. She was not a fine and precious thing. She was a girl.”
And
What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person.”
Indeed it is. I told Bo it sucks because instead of the answer from the little boy on how he’s doing, I get the answer from him, and I hate him. Yes, I really told him that. I didn’t say all those things though, like how it is so immensely wrong for me to think of him as that little boy in the first place, and to hate him for not being that, and to treacherously consider even for a millisecond that he is anything more than just a boy.
I corrected myself quickly though and said I do love him too, and reminded him I’m here if he ever needs anything, and he said he knows. I said I may continue to check on him like this for years. And then I said I was sorry for messaging him so out of the blue, and that I have felt very alone and had no one to talk to. He said “no worries” which is a phrase he likes to text, and then asked me if I’m going back to school. I said yes soon, and he said “Same!” I shook my head to myself without actually shaking my head and relieved him by saying he doesn’t have to pretend to talk to me if he’s tired (what I meant was, he doesn’t have to pretend to talk to me because I just said I wanted someone to talk to), and we said take care and goodnight, and today, unfortunately, I still hate him.
I really have felt quite alone. Soon I will be moving into my new apartment for the semester and it terrifies me. I was supposed to meet up with a friends but was entirely stood up. No one else I talked to had replied to my messages. I think most of my friends are flaky, except maybe one or two, and then I think about why this is. It reminds me of the last episode in Sherlock BBC, where (SPOILERS) John Watson wonders why he just ends up with psychopaths, why everyone he loves, including his wife, has turned out to be a psychopath.
John Watson: (panting with rage against Mary) I’ve got a better question: is everyone I’ve ever met a psychopath?
Sherlock Holmes: Yes. Good that we’ve settled that. Now–
John Watson: SHUT UP!! And stay shut up, because this is not funny. Not this time.
Sherlock Holmes: I didn’t say it was funny.
John Watson: (turns to Mary) You. What have I ever done? Hmm? My whole life, to deserve you?
Sherlock Holmes: Everything.
John Watson: (steps towards Sherlock threateningly) Sherlock, I told you. Shut up.
Sherlock Holmes: No, I mean it. Seriously. Everything, everything you’ve ever done is what you did.
John Watson: Sherlock, one more word and you will not need morphine.
Sherlock Holmes: You were a doctor who went to war. You’re a man who couldn’t stay in the suburbs for more than a month without storming a crack den, beating up a junkie. Your best friend is a sociopath who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high. That’s me, by the way. (waves hand) Hello. Even the landlady used to run a drug cartel […] (losing patience) John, you’re addicted to a certain lifestyle! You’re abnormally attracted…to dangerous situations and people, so is it truly such a surprise that the woman you’ve fallen in love with conforms to that pattern?
John Watson: (voice breaking) But she wasn’t supposed to be like that. Why is she like that?
Sherlock Holmes: Because you chose her.
John Watson: Why is everything…always…MY FAULT!?!?
So I guess I can understand where John is coming from. I’m just as flaky as my friends. But have I really gone so far as to totally not reply, not even make up an excuse for not showing up? Maybe I have. I didn’t realize how terrible it felt. This is something I should work on.
Things are getting better now. The low had passed. I feel better now. It’s going to be okay.
________
Einstein print taken from this blog–though not sure who original creator is.
This Sherlock episode was called “His Last Vow.” You can find quotes from other episodes on Wikiquote, where I took it from.
What’s that you say? Who is John Green? What is Paper Towns? Isn’t it a movie now?
thewritingofpassage 