This is going to read a bit like a journal post, which I have never really loved writing, but I feel called to write today.
So many weird, stupid things have happened.
On Sunday night, I went to the dining hall where I used to work and L works now as a manager, which is where we met. Now, he has been avoiding me, but what have I done wrong? I’d been hoping just to run into him. I’d walked around the library he frequents looking for him. I’d gone inside the business college because he’s a business student even though I have no business being there. And I’d sat on a bench with a view of the street corner he may pass. I don’t know if it’s creepy. I’m just frustrated. I don’t want to bombard him with text messages or calls. I just wanted to chance “run into him” and talk. I needed to see him, it was during me mad.
So I went to the dining hall, and I asked Kaleb, who was working there as well, is he working tonight? I knew the answer was yes but I asked anyway. And then I got there and I saw Kaleb and I asked, is he here? And Kaleb teased me but he didn’t get it. He told me just to go to the back and talk to him, but what kind of proposition was that? I didn’t work here anymore. I didn’t have any right just to be walking around, even if a manager had told me to do so. Did Kaleb want me to go tell him to come say hi to me? No, don’t do that! Why, you ask? I don’t know. Just don’t. Oh God, don’t do that.
I was so nervous! My stomach tossed, I couldn’t concentrate. I had a test the next day and I hadn’t studied because I couldn’t concentrate. I kept getting up and moving where I sat and then getting up again and moving again and walking around and hiding myself and looking and looking and looking, and then I saw him, come out and kind of look around, and I wondered if Kaleb had told him I was here and looking for him. But before I could get up, my phone rang, and I couldn’t ignore it. It was my mom and I was low on battery and I had been texting her and I had to let her know I was fine and going to sleep and whatever. So as I talked on the phone to my mother, my eyes were glued to him, and I ended the conversation quickly, but he walked away. I got up and I looked around but I didn’t want anyone else recognizing me either so this was hard. So then I thought that maybe I would wait by the entrance to the dish dropoff, but no, that was too open, I wanted to go back to my old spot, so I went back to my old spot, and I tried to eat, and I couldn’t, and so I felt like throwing up, and eventually, EVENTUALLY, there he was.
We kind of walked up to each other, and I asked if he heard about what happened in Lahore and if all the people he knew were alright, and he said yeah, and he was just rambling about something, and I looked at him, and he was very handsome looking to me, but in my head I was trying to taint him. I tried to think of things that were ugly or I tried to augment certain features but honestly I’m not too fixated on looks when I like a person, so my attempts to trick my own mind didn’t really work.
Of course I was putting him on the spot and he wasn’t sure what to say, and maybe everything I was doing and saying was wrong but I did it anyway, because this is who I am, this is how I am, and I’m stubborn.
Now he won’t reply to my message again, and I said: I know I can’t force you to talk to me…
But do I really? I don’t know anymore what to call it: determination, or creepiness? Let me just crawl into my little hole here you see.
Yesterday was very bad. Terrible. I was telling myself, no this isn’t a day where I can’t get out of bed, no this isn’t my depression, I’m just chilling. I’m just chilling out in my bed for the morning. I’m just chilling, playing on my phone for a bit. I’m just browsing reddit. I’m just lying back down. I am just about to get up in just a second. Right after this, I will get up. Okay, I gotta take a shower.
I did take a shower.
Okay, I gotta go to class.
I didn’t go to class.
I didn’t really leave the room until the evening, in the darkness, I went outside for no reason other than to go outside, and walk around, and I didn’t feel any better.
I sent a message to Aaron that I wanted to kill myself and I know I put him in a bad position, but I did it anyway. I do whatever I want. I’m not rational. I don’t really think. I wish for all my fantasies about Aaron to go away now. I don’t want to be with him or sleep with him or talk to him. And just like this, as I type these words, I do feel it slipping away. A door closed on a person, a decision made. And I’m glad.
At the same time I feel he’s not the only person or thing I’m closing the door on. With so many friends and relationships I am drawing back. I am sinking into myself. I feel like the one things that could brighten me up is L. I want back L. I made a mistake.
Today I am out and about but it’s not like that means I am doing any better. I still feel so disoriented.