Written 4/23 2:43 AM
My eyes hurt—they need to be closed, but I think writing will make me feel better, and I haven’t written a post in a while. I have tried to, but I end up deleting it all because what I’m writing seems mundane, useless, and unworthy.
I am incredibly lonely. I feel like I lack social skills. I’m not sure what to do. I feel as though everyone has made their friends and I am just hanging out all alone.
I’ve always been okay with just me in the way that I can go out, go exploring, and have fun with just myself. But not anymore. Now I just don’t want to go out at all.
I do have some friends but I either secretly do not like them much anymore or they don’t see me as a very close friend. I’ve had these problems all my life. Only once did I ever make a good friend on my own, and that was with Bo, so naturally I miss him a lot once again. Am I even capable of making a true friend like that again? Or open to it at all? (Which is a different, yet equally complicated and concerning issue)
Sure, I would like to date casually and I’m open to it, but I am afraid to go out or go to bars. I even try online things like Tinder but after a while it seems so dry and worthless. I am so afraid of the world lately and it feels hard to go on.
I just want to dig a hole and lay in it forever, let the only sound be the earth around me and let the earth around me make my bed. I want cold dirt in my ears and in my hair and pushing into my fingernails and I want to lay there until it gets warm, in the way that pool water gets warm when you’re there long enough. And then I want to go to sleep.
Written 2:43 am