I’m back at home this weekend, not really sure why but I am, and I’m just making the most of it. This past week was hard with the whole thing with my ex. I’m pretty positive he has blocked my number because my message was never delivered. I feel sad and I don’t know what I did wrong. I just published a post I wrote on Wednesday and Thursday about all of it, because I wanted it to be a part of the timeline on this blog, but right now is the end of Saturday. I’ll just write about various things.
I began reading the Kite Runner and I won’t spoil anything but the part I just got to was very disturbing, to the point where I felt sick. The writing was that powerful. I am haunted by how well the words got to me. As a writer myself, I feel like this is something other writers want to achieve but at the same time, I don’t know if I do, because it really shook me up. I think part of the reason is because my parents were wary about me reading this book. They are Pashtun, the ethnic group talked about in the book, and then of course with any books that have explicit things, I am a child to them, especially my dad. My dad read this book a while ago because of how famous it was getting and the fact that it dealt with Pashtuns, and although he has just recently started reading, he wasn’t a big reader or into reading at all then. It was always a book my dad said we shouldn’t read. But, there, I did it. I’m reading it. I can’t understand why I feel weird about it.
I am totally against censoring of books but I think there are points where we are more or less ready, in our personal lives, to handle certain stories. In these past few months of my life I’ve come back to books I passed up previously because I wasn’t sure if I was ready for them. I’m glad I was prevented from reading it any earlier.
I’ve had a good weekend of, actually, talking about my sisters to my dad. My dad sometimes thinks we are going to stay with him forever, but the truth is, we’re not. We each want to do great, and in a way, I want to tell him it’s kind of his fault for instilling a curiosity for the world in us. I have been pushing to get him to understand that one of my sisters wants to do global work within medicine. Of course he knows the medicine part, but the traveling part? And the same with my other sister. She too needs to travel and has more potential than he recognizes. Oddly enough, I find that now that he has become a reader, he has become a better listener. I believe so deeply in the power of books.
Whenever you read a good book, somewhere in the world a door opens to allow in more light.
About me? I do want to do peace corps, but I also just want to hide under a blanket and not come out, and my most important concern is that my health gets better. I’m not going anywhere or getting approved to get anywhere carrying all this baggage. I can’t think about what I want to do tomorrow, let alone in a few years. The thoughts frankly terrify me.
My mom fell today. I was so hurt by it, watching her scream on the floor. We need a softer floor. We need a warmer place to live for her joints. I need to be here, is what I start to think. What if something happens to my mom? I have to take care of my mom, I think. I need to do something. I feel so helpless watching her there, I feel my heart breaking. I just want her to be okay. I don’t know what I’ll do without her…
I’ve been having weird dreams, I see myself, and I’m so mad.
I need to sleep, don’t I?