Written 4/25 in the night when I couldn’t sleep. Been a little late on posting because I write it on my phone.
An update: Later in this post I talk about a guy I met who makes videos on how to pick up girls. Since then, I’ve learned that this is related to something called “pick-up” culture. I’ll be talking it more soon.
I’ve had another odd and weird last couple days. My depression is getting at the core of me and I can’t shake it. Mostly, I cannot cry, and this is very difficult. I think I would be a lot better if I could just cry, but I can’t. It won’t come out from me. I feel the sadness dragging on me. I haven’t slept properly for days. I slept through class and I didn’t turn in a very important paper nor did I email back the people I am supposed to be working for this summer. It all seems so worthless and stupid and I can’t find it in me to push through. I spend a lot of time browsing Reddit lately on my phone.
On Saturday night I went to a party and was reminded again that parties are not my scene. I saw the guy I had last dated there and he was very drunk so I told him he should stop drinking, but he didn’t really listen to me. I don’t know why I feel a need to control other people or act like I know better than them, when I don’t. I got excited when I first saw him though and wanted him to meet my friend, but it was honestly embarrassing. I went home from an already frustrating day.
Sunday I was unable to get out of bed for most of the day, but there was a celebrity that came to my university for a meet and greet and I went to that and it made me very happy. I wasted my Sunday and didn’t get any work done which was what led to me being unable to finish that paper. It’s still not even done! I don’t know how I will answer to this. I cannot fail a class or I will not graduate on time, and all I really want is for this college thing to be over as soon as possible.
It’s odd how they say college is supposed to be such important fun years of your life, and I don’t think it’s living up to any of that.
So here’s a good story:
On Sunday night I went to meet with a guy I had met on Tinder back in December and had been talking to here and there. He is moving to Miami soon. I slept with him and it wasn’t that wonderful or anything, but I was so fascinated by him. Never have I met a person like that. I can’t put my finger on everything that is so odd about Aaron. We have a lot in common but nothing in common. There is something similar in our spirits but no connection whatsoever. Aaron is older than me. He comes from the hookup culture I’m still struggling to adjust to and understand. Is he a good guy? I don’t know. Later on we were on our phones and I said I would unfollow him on Instagram because I would be sad if I looked at his pictures (since he is moving) and he didn’t even like my posts back anyway. He pulled me up on his Instagram and it seems he didn’t even follow me. But actually, he did follow me, it’s just that he had 2 instagrams, and he didn’t realize which one he’s on.
Well, I’m crazy, so of course I figured it out pretty soon when I got home. One of these instagrams caters to his YouTube channel. Naturally, I look up the YouTube channel. It’s a series on how to hookup with girls and get laid. On his Instagram are ads about how he fucked 3 girls 3 nights in a row, and you can do it too! Just follow his channel, where you will conveniently find videos about “how to use snapchat to get laid.” He is currently making videos about how he goes into the “field” (eg bars and parties) and finds girls, and he breaks down his interactions for other men to see and learn from. I think it’s a series where he forced himself to go out every night. On one video he did actually videotape himself with women–whether or not those women knew they were being videotaped I don’t know. It’s definitely not fake.
I knew these people existed but I didn’t think I would ever come into contact with one of them, let alone kind of fall for it. But then again, maybe I didn’t. Definitely didn’t like those other girls did. Aaron and I just hung out last night…it didn’t seem like anything he was doing for his videos. I had been asking to see him, and he’s leaving. And none of what I saw he does online surprises me. I don’t want to sound cocky or like I’m special, but I think at a couple moments I got through to this guy, as in, he allowed himself to be vulnerable to me and wasn’t acting. When I first met him, I knew right away which lines he uses on other girls, I could tell which parts weren’t that genuine and whole hearted, etc. I was brave enough to ask him deep questions on personal levels and happy to open myself up as well. But I’m not special either. I think other girls can tell as well, as far as which lines a guy uses frequently. They’re just not gonna burst anyone’s bubble.
Continuing on the line that I’m not special, I have to think that it truly is no surprise to me the kind of videos Aaron is making, so long until some other girl picks up and gets really mad?
Because, I’m not that mad. I wrote down what I felt about the whole thing. But I’m slowly learning that I have no right to try and change people. These people exist and always will. They don’t see any harm in what they’re doing and are just excited to have found something they’re good at. I knew this guy didn’t really like me, I knew I was just there for sex, because as much as he worked himself up to be charming and caring, you have to feel that sense of charm in the lovemaking. Love was not made. I was touched and fucked and it was fine, but when you have sex with someone you care about or are genuinely interests in, it’s different. You’re curious as to the way the side of your hand sits into the intersection on their chest and how soft their earlobe is and how sensitive they are on the stomach right above their genitals. Good sex is a magical mixture of pain and pleasure. Bad sex only has one of those elements. Mediocre sex doesn’t really have either.
I hate that I am still awake writing this.