Depression Update: I am not calm.

I am disappointed that I am not ravishingly, optimistically filled with happiness and satisfaction. I am upset that I continue to be enveloped by stress and anger at the world around me and at the incidence of my own existence. I am sick to my stomach of how unimproved I feel. I feel guilt hanging over me and constant worry and anxiety controlling me. I feel pessimistic that I will ever live a life I am content with.

And I have a headache, a bad one, and I am irritable. I want to shred everyone to pieces and scream at every small inconvenience and I can’t handle even the smallest mishap or mistake whether it’s by my own hand or not. I feel angry that I feel sick to my stomach and I feel angry that I am depressed and I feel the weight of Atlas’s burden on me, even though I know it’s not. Nothing in the universe can be so painful as being a human being.

This is unsettling and I’m not sure how to calm myself down anymore, but I am very aware that I am not calm. I seem to be fighting it, but I assure I don’t want to feel this way.

I am not calm. I am not fucking calm.

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6 thoughts on “Depression Update: I am not calm.

  1. I just happened upon this, but sometimes I’ve noticed that fighting the feelings intensifies them sometimes. There are times when I have just let them come in and eventually they go away. But then again, that is just my perspective and I realize only you can know what’s best for you.
    I hope you find some peace. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. And the unanswered question is, “Why?” I’ve been depressed but not to the point where I couldn’t recognize that I was being my own worst enemy by fighting with myself over stuff,smoke of which I could control, some of which was beyond said control. I passed on the medication – it made me feel worse more than better, didn’t bother with therapy because I realized that a therapist was only going to tell me something I already knew and that to get better, I had to change some stuff… so I changed it. I did the things I could do and stopped paying attention to the things I couldn’t do – and stopped getting pissed because of those things I couldn’t do.
    Yeah, I sounds easy but I know it isn’t and you just have to be sick and tired of feeling the way you do when you have the power to make yourself stop feeling this way. You have two choices: Keep yourself wallowing in this self-made pit of despair… or get your ass out and the sooner you do, the better off you will be – which of these things do you truly prefer?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. In the end, when I’m feeling logical, I feel like I know that. I know that I have the power to change myself. I just don’t want to accept it. It’s a hard process I’m still trudging through. Thanks for your thoughts always ❤

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      1. Acceptance is important even if that which must accept is unpleasant; refusing to accept isn’t going to make the issues go away so the longer you refuse to accept, the more your depression will plague you. You can get all the therapy and medications in the world but if you won’t accept, they’re useless.

        Liked by 1 person

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