I am disappointed that I am not ravishingly, optimistically filled with happiness and satisfaction. I am upset that I continue to be enveloped by stress and anger at the world around me and at the incidence of my own existence. I am sick to my stomach of how unimproved I feel. I feel guilt hanging over me and constant worry and anxiety controlling me. I feel pessimistic that I will ever live a life I am content with.
And I have a headache, a bad one, and I am irritable. I want to shred everyone to pieces and scream at every small inconvenience and I can’t handle even the smallest mishap or mistake whether it’s by my own hand or not. I feel angry that I feel sick to my stomach and I feel angry that I am depressed and I feel the weight of Atlas’s burden on me, even though I know it’s not. Nothing in the universe can be so painful as being a human being.
This is unsettling and I’m not sure how to calm myself down anymore, but I am very aware that I am not calm. I seem to be fighting it, but I assure I don’t want to feel this way.
I am not calm. I am not fucking calm.