I suck at filling prescriptions. No, I suck at anything that involves responsibility or personal well being. I will see a McDonald’s McMuffin wrapper on the sidewalk, and I will pick it up and hold on to it until I find a trash can. I didn’t need to do that. I didn’t need to bother. But I did need to bother filling up my prescriptions.
I really don’t know what the fuck about it is. I genuinely don’t. At this point, I think I don’t want to. I am so sick and tired of medicine and therapy and I don’t want to do it. I just want my mom to do it for me. Fill the prescription for me. I don’t want to bother.
I ran out of Lexapro on Saturday night so I didn’t take it, and then my doctor’s appointment that was supposedly on Monday was cancelled because I was late, but the things is, I didn’t even want to talk to my psych. I just wanted her to write the goddamn prescriptions so I could go. I was so irritated. I did not want to sit in the psych’s office and talk. But nope. Reschedule tomorrow! So I got the prescriptions on Tuesday and I haven’t filled them. My psych also wanted me to try a new medication for anxiety. She gave that to me over 2 weeks ago, and I haven’t filled it. Frankly, I want to rip it in half. Yet, if she asked me if I’m hesitant about taking it, I say no. No, I’m fine, I’m open to it, I’m willing to try, I just got lazy. It doesn’t feel like I’m lying when I say those words, but was I?
My doctors and counselors do not understand the extent of how fucking tired I am of treatment. I’m tired of that stupid office. I don’t want to go to therapy anymore, please. I just want to be left alone! I’m crying as I write this because I just now realized how much I really mean this. I don’t want to do some stupid intensive program. I don’t care.
Depression has taken over my life and I am so tired of it. Just leave me alone. I can get better, I am getting better, just stop reminding me how terrible I am. Just let me try on my own for a while, please.
Then, my therapist today made me schedule another appointment for next week! I don’t want to go at all. I have finals to study for and I just want to relax and I don’t want to drag myself back into that goddamned office.
I just want to live with depression for a little bit. I just want to try and cope on my own for a little bit. I know all of this thinking is wrong and harmful and is not going to help me and I am acting like those people who don’t get treatment for cancer and instead try herbal remedies. I know earlier I made a post equating depression to cancer once but now I’m feeling less like it os. It kind of is like cancer, but it kind of isn’t too. I have this stupid thing. A stupid illness. Yeah, it can kill me, but I’m not gonna let it. So, just let me have it, goddamnit!!!!!! Let me live with it for a while! Leave me alone!!!!!!!
I stopped taking Lexapro and that is extremely dangerous but you know what? I feel fucking great. I feel happy and horny and like dancing and I’m not too stressed or worried. Sure, it will probably come crashing down relatively soon, but fuck it.
Okay, I am writing this, and I promise, from the bottom of my heart, that I will really fill up my prescriptions tomorrow. It will be the first thing I do. I will do it. I mean that. I promise I will. I promise, Reader, I will go do it.
I am lazy af. I am getting charged no show or late fees for my appointments. I understand this. But I also feel like, come on, I’m depressed and I’m going to a place I don’t even want to be and you guys keep making me come here over and over and so is it such a surprise that I’m late or that I cancel or whatever? Fuck therapy. I’m so over all of it.
I want to quit taking lexapro. I want to see my therapist 2-3 times a month. I want to see a psych once a month. I want to book as need appointments if I need to. fuck everything else. I am done with this shit. I am done with the doctor, I am so fucking done, I can’t even put it into words. I am angry.
I am tired of needing therapy.