I stopped taking my meds—and I feel great!

I suck at filling prescriptions. No, I suck at anything that involves responsibility or personal well being. I will see a McDonald’s McMuffin wrapper on the sidewalk, and I will pick it up and hold on to it until I find a trash can. I didn’t need to do that. I didn’t need to bother. But I did need to bother filling up my prescriptions.

I really don’t know what the fuck about it is. I genuinely don’t. At this point, I think I don’t want to. I am so sick and tired of medicine and therapy and I don’t want to do it. I just want my mom to do it for me. Fill the prescription for me. I don’t want to bother.

I ran out of Lexapro on Saturday night so I didn’t take it, and then my doctor’s appointment that was supposedly on Monday was cancelled because I was late, but the things is, I didn’t even want to talk to my psych. I just wanted her to write the goddamn prescriptions so I could go. I was so irritated. I did not want to sit in the psych’s office and talk. But nope. Reschedule tomorrow! So I got the prescriptions on Tuesday and I haven’t filled them. My psych also wanted me to try a new medication for anxiety. She gave that to me over 2 weeks ago, and I haven’t filled it. Frankly, I want to rip it in half. Yet, if she asked me if I’m hesitant about taking it, I say no. No, I’m fine, I’m open to it, I’m willing to try, I just got lazy. It doesn’t feel like I’m lying when I say those words, but was I?

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My doctors and counselors do not understand the extent of how fucking tired I am of treatment. I’m tired of that stupid office. I don’t want to go to therapy anymore, please. I just want to be left alone! I’m crying as I write this  because I just now realized how much I really mean this. I don’t want to do some stupid intensive program. I don’t care.

Depression has taken over my life and I am so tired of it. Just leave me alone. I can get better, I am getting better, just stop reminding me how terrible I am. Just let me try on my own for a while, please. 

Then, my therapist today made me schedule another appointment for next week! I don’t want to go at all. I have finals to study for and I just want to relax and I don’t want to drag myself back into that goddamned office.

I just want to live with depression for a little bit. I just want to try and cope on my own for a little bit. I know all of this thinking is wrong and harmful and is not going to help me and I am acting like those people who don’t get treatment for cancer and instead try herbal remedies. I know earlier I made a post equating depression to cancer once but now I’m feeling less like it os. It kind of is like cancer, but it kind of isn’t too. I have this stupid thing. A stupid illness. Yeah, it can kill me, but I’m not gonna let it. So, just let me have it, goddamnit!!!!!! Let me live with it for a while! Leave me alone!!!!!!!

I stopped taking Lexapro and that is extremely dangerous but you know what? I feel fucking great. I feel happy and horny and like dancing and I’m not too stressed or worried. Sure, it will probably come crashing down relatively soon, but fuck it.

Okay, I am writing this, and I promise, from the bottom of my heart, that I will really fill up my prescriptions tomorrow. It will be the first thing I do. I will do it. I mean that. I promise I will. I promise, Reader, I will go do it.

I am lazy af. I am getting charged no show or late fees for my appointments. I understand this. But I also feel like, come on, I’m depressed and I’m going to a place I don’t even want to be and you guys keep making me come here over and over and so is it such a surprise that I’m late or that I cancel or whatever? Fuck therapy. I’m so over all of it.

I want to quit taking lexapro. I want to see my therapist 2-3 times a month. I want to see a psych once a month.  I want to book as need appointments if I need to. fuck everything else. I am done with this shit. I am done with the doctor, I am so fucking done, I can’t even put it into words. I am angry.

I am tired of needing therapy.

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2 thoughts on “I stopped taking my meds—and I feel great!

  1. Have you told the people you see how you really feel about being treated? Maybe it would change your treatment plan if you could make them understand how you feel about things? I know these medications can mess with you so much that not taking them will make you feel like a million dollars… but you also recognize the danger in not taking them so unless you can deal with yourself without the meds – and you have to be 100% sure you could – please, keep taking them.

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  2. I can relate to your post. I’ve been taking Celexa for depression and from the beginning it helped me but then that all started to change and I felt horrible. It even dropped my potassium. After learning that I decided to ween myself off and I’ve felt great but I also have the anxiety of that great feelings abruptly ending. Can we do this without medicine? If it’s just for depression then yeah I think we can. I know for one day I’d just want to be free from it…enjoy!

    Liked by 1 person

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