2015 pt 2: A Graph of Emotions

I truly believe in the end of the year as a time to reflect.

I made a graph of my emotions and ups and downs with depression that I had this year, and I’m not sure how accurate it is. It was hard to make, especially when your realize what has happened in so little time. When you’re in a down it seems like it’s been going on for weeks, but I look back and it was only 1 week, or just a weekend, and the happy was longer than I thought.

I really encourage anyone who’s reading this to make one as well. 

My general threshold is just me generally living. Neutrality. What I expect of myself and my moods. I struggled to define it as happiness or sadness or just operating, yet I feel that every person who has struggled with a case similar to mine will know what I mean by “general threshold.”

Of course, no matter which point I’m at on this graph, I am still depressed. But I also don’t want to say this exhibits moods. Maybe a better word is” phases” of my depression this year. There’s so many ups and downs, they are sharp, and some of them correlated with events, but others seem isolated. Those were the hardest parts. Drops, whether to happy or sad, are difficult. The curve is what we always want.

Do you want to know what really matters in this graph? The end. That last point. It’s a high point. I ended alright, I’m moving alright.

Two things I hope from this

  1. My threshold line goes up in the future.
  2. That this line is not an asymptote. An asymptote is a line that forever approaches another line, but will never touch it. I have a gut feeling my line will be approaching the for quite some time in the future, never really touching. I suppose it’s better than feeling like death, and maybe I’m ahead of myself, but hopefully one day, my line rises perpendicularly.

Without further ado, here it is:

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2015 pt 1: Positives + Negatives

I truly believe in the end of the year as a means to reflect.

2015-09-07 16.00.26
Some inspiring port-a-potty graffiti.

I made a list of positive then negative things that happened this year, by month. I used everything from my iMessages, my Sunrise Calendar, my social networks, and my Gmail to recall events. It was really much more an exercise for me than anything anyone would read. It was pretty powerful, for two reasons:

  1. The positive things were easier to recall for the months earlier in the year.
  2. The negative things were easier to recall for things later in the year.
  3. I can’t believe all these things happened this year.

Maybe time DOES heal.

January –  Read some interesting books. Start fresh with a new semester. I started working at library  with kids I am now unbelievably attached to. Tell myself I can do this and recover from a terrible year. My college wins the National Championship and I gain a lot of pride from going to school there.

Go back to college and feel really sad. I stayed up too late to talk to Bo and let him talk me into continuing to talk to him after school had already started for me. Feel sad that I don’t have a lot of friends. Feel sad about the Charlie Hebdo attacks and the state of the world.

February – I started working at COP. I made a new friend from Korea. I learned amazing things about our environment and our moral duty to it. I make great friends with some cool bisexuals and stop worrying about whether or not they actually like me, we hang out and I have fun. Eat so many pancakes and Lucky Charms.

I started to feel uncomfortable in one of my classes that talked about culture. My school’s dance marathon is a bust. I continued with Bo and he treated me badly during a panic attack and implied my illness was just me being dramatic. Went to see him in person and it was a disappointment. Get sick of Facebook. Working at COP is kind of boring. Have an appetite for nothing except Lucky Charms and pancakes.

March –  I got new glasses. I went to Florida and Disney with my family and my other family. I saw Blue Man Group and was totally inspired and touched. One of the performers afterward took a picture with me. I told him I was an artist and he came out of character to tell me good luck. Donate money to Operation Limitless Compassion.

Some stupid governor of my state puts into law the “Religious Equality” act and everyone begins hating on the state I love.  I missed free pancakes for National Pancake Day. I went to see Bo and he treated me badly and then didn’t want to see me later because he wanted to work on his DnD stuff. Bo distances himself from me. I got really sick in Florida.

April – I saw a funny improv show. I realized my passion for the environment and love for the west side of campus. I declared a major there. Hung out with my buddy Zac a lot. My therapist is very helpful. Hillary Clinton announces her bid for presidency, and this excites me. I think I went for some runs too.

Early in the month, I tell Bo that I’m hurt, and end things. I tell him we’ll talk again in 6 weeks. I’m very depressed over all of this. Miss most of March Madness.

May – I have a lot of fun learned wood shop. I develop a new set of skills and hobbies. I feel like I’m growing. Finals go alright. I go hiking in Zeleski, Ohio.

I have a weird fantasy about Zac and the conflict gives me a huge stomachache/headache/something I will never forget. I still kind of have a crush on Zac but find out I was reading signs wrong, and it’s awkward. I meet up with John and we have sex, and it’s good sex. I’m miserable in my hometown after school ends.

June – Things could have been more awkward with my friend Zac but we stay friends! Same sex marriage is legalized and feel overjoyed. Trip to Las Vegas with family cheers me up. I get to see the Grand Canyon and it is amazing. Ramadan begins and I do well fasting. My family puts up with me. My friend and I bond over our misery of being in our stupid hometown.

Sad I can’t celebrate the legalization of same sex marriage in my college town with my friends. I ruin our vacation a few times because of anxiety/panic/depression. My online class starts and is really boring. Ramadan is hard. I try to open up to Bo but it’s hard and I don’t feel returned. My thoughts are overwhelmed with him. Sex is bad. I try to tell him. He cuts me off.

July – Ramadan ends. I get birth control! See John Green and Nat and Alex Wolfe during the Paper Towns Tour. I write a really cool paper and watch an awesome documentary. I start a wordpress!

I have an odd appointment with the OBGYN that I am not satisfied with. I’m afraid to go outside in this stupid town.

August – We head to Canada, where I visit my cousins and they are much fun. I get ready and excited and nervous to go back to my college town soon. I pass my online class easily. I begin working at my current job and love it. I see people again.

Canada is a total anxiety attack, and I realize the person I was there is not the person I love being. My therapist is unhappy that I didn’t have any treatment all year. Much much anxiety being alone and missing home. Talk to Bo again and start to believe everything is my fault.  Find out Bo has a girlfriend and cry pretty much everyday from then on.

September – Go home cause I miss my mom, and it refuels me. Start to understand what my classes are gonna be like. Start moving my shifts from the coffee shop to the dining hall and manage to enjoy it and not join the complaining. Become very comfortable with the idea of crying and find strength in my depression. Find support in one of my friends. Start going back to the library for volunteering. Work really hard at writing a cool article for a fashion magazine. Explore the city and begin to fall in love. Read some good books.

Miss my family from Canada, miss my sisters, feel pretty bad, and sleep in a lot. End up not volunteering at the homeless shelter I wanted to and do a shitty job letting the person know. Miss therapy appointments. Don’t answer calls from home. Start getting annoyed from the billions of emails that come in everyday because I signed up for too much shit at the involvement fair. Hit a wall in therapy.

October – Put a lot of work into my art. Meet 3rd graders from a private school in the city and get to teach a lesson for them. Do really good at school. Start late night shifts at work and get a work schedule I’m comfortable with, and really find my place at work. Love my major. Meet a band called Captain Kidd for an interview. Have a kickass halloween. Come up with an amazing story to write for NaNoWriMo.

Miss Tyler Oakley by 10 minutes! Go back and forth on whether or not to do a study abroad, but ultimately decide against it. Continue to oversleep and be too hard on myself. Start feeling weird. I work too hard and pretend it wasn’t happening. I miss therapy appointments. Group Therapy is a terrible idea. Find out I have library fines, but don’t pay them (I still haven’t). Start to realize that both my roommates are kind of weird. Feel constantly exhausted.

November – I go to the sheep barn! I love my department, major, peers, and professors, and realize I’m lucky to have them. Feel thankful and hang out with some cool people. Get to write a little bit but not too much, and not get totally disappointed over it. I enjoy my Thanksgiving. Have my first one night stand, and it’s great!

Continue to ignore signs of my downfall. Have a total breakdown, hyperventilate for the first time, and have to go home. Feel broken. End up missing a bunch of events I want to go to and feel bad for it. Have major problems with my appetite. Continue to feel exhausted. Worry I can’t make it. My team suggests I do some program in the hospital and that stresses me off. Decide therapy is a waste. Don’t jump in Mirror Lake.

December – Miss the extension conference. I kick the ass of [most of] my finals. Start having some confidence. I have an amazing time with a family I love with all of my heart. I feel very thankful. I get to see my friend. Start feeling free and proud of myself.

I totally break down because of all the work I put in. I go on a cruise when I probably should just rest. Get bored at home but be okay with it. Miss my college city bunches. Get seasick.

End on a high note.

 

 

 

 

The Cruise

This is a literary piece I wrote while I was on a cruise with my family this past week.

The Cruise – 12/19/2015 

I’m 84% sure that I shouldn’t be here.

Where is here?

Not even kidding. My family? On a cruise?

This is an Abilene Paradox if I’ve ever heard the news.

do you know what I’m talking about? We are contrary to our preference, adventurous with no sense of reference.

~~~

I think a lot about rabbits–I think I might be one.

Scared of any little noise, god, can’t even run.

When they hear something, it’s like they pause,

statue mode on the outside.

inside: a huge fire drill deny

like alarm going off inside their furry little bodies.

Suddenly everything is a threat, when just TWO seconds ago

you were just chewing so cutely

bravely, on that little piece of lettuce

how do they get us

in rosario–south westest

 and all you want to do is climb into your rabbit hole

and nibble, nibble scribble

I am a stressed out little rabbit and I just need a hug—

~~~~~

This is not healthy. This is wrong.

Someone just pet me and feed me and let me rest? Life isn’t a test. The alarm system will NOT shut off, and nothing happens for the best. 

I’ve been doing okay and distracting myself, but then every once in a while…

ALERT ALERT ALERT.

And suddenly I’m on the verge of tears! Terror-fied. I’ll freak out. I’m paranoid.

“mom needs to hold my hand!”

I can’t let go and I’m freaking out of my mind.

It’s the influx of people—so many of them on here. It’s the shaking of the boat and the nausea I’ve had since I was a child.

I’m actually really scared. I’m going to be attacked.

Panic back, and hit cement 

If I could, I would scream. would make me feel a bit better?

But it’s impossible! I’m stuck on this stupid boat. 

And I can’t handle the weather.

I stopped taking my meds—and I feel great!

I suck at filling prescriptions. No, I suck at anything that involves responsibility or personal well being. I will see a McDonald’s McMuffin wrapper on the sidewalk, and I will pick it up and hold on to it until I find a trash can. I didn’t need to do that. I didn’t need to bother. But I did need to bother filling up my prescriptions.

I really don’t know what the fuck about it is. I genuinely don’t. At this point, I think I don’t want to. I am so sick and tired of medicine and therapy and I don’t want to do it. I just want my mom to do it for me. Fill the prescription for me. I don’t want to bother.

I ran out of Lexapro on Saturday night so I didn’t take it, and then my doctor’s appointment that was supposedly on Monday was cancelled because I was late, but the things is, I didn’t even want to talk to my psych. I just wanted her to write the goddamn prescriptions so I could go. I was so irritated. I did not want to sit in the psych’s office and talk. But nope. Reschedule tomorrow! So I got the prescriptions on Tuesday and I haven’t filled them. My psych also wanted me to try a new medication for anxiety. She gave that to me over 2 weeks ago, and I haven’t filled it. Frankly, I want to rip it in half. Yet, if she asked me if I’m hesitant about taking it, I say no. No, I’m fine, I’m open to it, I’m willing to try, I just got lazy. It doesn’t feel like I’m lying when I say those words, but was I?

Sad-Depressed-Silhouette-The-Trent-e1408282067528

My doctors and counselors do not understand the extent of how fucking tired I am of treatment. I’m tired of that stupid office. I don’t want to go to therapy anymore, please. I just want to be left alone! I’m crying as I write this  because I just now realized how much I really mean this. I don’t want to do some stupid intensive program. I don’t care.

Depression has taken over my life and I am so tired of it. Just leave me alone. I can get better, I am getting better, just stop reminding me how terrible I am. Just let me try on my own for a while, please. 

Then, my therapist today made me schedule another appointment for next week! I don’t want to go at all. I have finals to study for and I just want to relax and I don’t want to drag myself back into that goddamned office.

I just want to live with depression for a little bit. I just want to try and cope on my own for a little bit. I know all of this thinking is wrong and harmful and is not going to help me and I am acting like those people who don’t get treatment for cancer and instead try herbal remedies. I know earlier I made a post equating depression to cancer once but now I’m feeling less like it os. It kind of is like cancer, but it kind of isn’t too. I have this stupid thing. A stupid illness. Yeah, it can kill me, but I’m not gonna let it. So, just let me have it, goddamnit!!!!!! Let me live with it for a while! Leave me alone!!!!!!!

I stopped taking Lexapro and that is extremely dangerous but you know what? I feel fucking great. I feel happy and horny and like dancing and I’m not too stressed or worried. Sure, it will probably come crashing down relatively soon, but fuck it.

Okay, I am writing this, and I promise, from the bottom of my heart, that I will really fill up my prescriptions tomorrow. It will be the first thing I do. I will do it. I mean that. I promise I will. I promise, Reader, I will go do it.

I am lazy af. I am getting charged no show or late fees for my appointments. I understand this. But I also feel like, come on, I’m depressed and I’m going to a place I don’t even want to be and you guys keep making me come here over and over and so is it such a surprise that I’m late or that I cancel or whatever? Fuck therapy. I’m so over all of it.

I want to quit taking lexapro. I want to see my therapist 2-3 times a month. I want to see a psych once a month.  I want to book as need appointments if I need to. fuck everything else. I am done with this shit. I am done with the doctor, I am so fucking done, I can’t even put it into words. I am angry.

I am tired of needing therapy.

Essay: The Transcendentalism of Avatar

Here is an essay I wrote in the 11th grade. The prompt was to find transcendentalism in modern culture TV, internet, movie, etc. I chose the show Avatar: The Last Airbender. Sources are mediocre. I got an A 100 on this essay–my teacher was also a fan of the show so not sure if that influenced it. Not quite sure of the quality of the essay (it seems a bit repetitive from skimming it back over) otherwise but I remember greatly enjoying writing it! 

Emerson’s Earthbending and Thoreau’s Tea: The Transcendentalism of Avatar

                The slowly developing America of the 1840s was filled with much turbulence—occupied by harsh debates about impending wars and civil rights. Yet it was among these tense times that another conversation began to rise: the first truly intellectual movement in America—Transcendentalism. Fueled by elite thinkers such as Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry David Thoreau, the Transcendentalist movement stressed the power of the individual and divine messages. Their ultimate goal was “oversoul,” or a divine-spark-within reached through intelligent intuition (Lewis). A movement unlike any others, Transcendentalism manages to exceed time; a lens tuned to the Transcendentalist perspective can peer through 21st century culture and find striking examples of Transcendentalism in the most interesting places. In the award-winning Nickelodeon show Avatar: The Last Airbender (colloquially called ATLA or Avatar), a young boy named Aang and his band of friends work to fight a war with the Fire Nation. It takes place in a world filled with benders from each of the four core elements—water, earth, fire, and air. Throughout the journey, Aang and others are challenged in unexpected ways as profound concepts and ideas are introduced into the story. Despite being developed over 160 years afterward, many of the philosophies in this children’s cartoon seem to draw right from those of prominent Transcendentalists. The concepts such as sanctity of nature, free will, and the power of the individual are both seen in the Avatar show as well as in Transcendentalism, and prove the expanse of the intellectual movement in today’s modern sphere.

Similar to Transcendentalism, the best “benders” in Avatar believed that understanding and acceptance of nature (in their case, the four elements), as well looking deeper into oneself, were the key essentials for reaching an ultimate goal. An easy-going, spiritual hedonist, the character Uncle Iroh was considered the most skilled Firebender throughout the show. His success resulted from an appreciation not just of fire, but all the elements. Iroh was a large believer in the balance and harmony of the four elements (Iroh). Speaking to his nephew, Uncle Iroh once said, “Understanding others, the other elements, the other nations, will help you become whole” (Uncle Iroh Quotes). Like the Transcendentalists, Uncle Iroh believed it was through connection to elements that one reached the better bender (person) that was so desired. Both the Transcendentalists and Iroh saw the flawlessness of nature superior than the corrupted and war-stricken world around them. There was more harmony and peace in elements than anything else, and it therefore held sanctity. The Transcendentalist Henry David Thoreau even went as far as to completely cut himself off from material matters to be with the elements (American Literature 335). This concept is not far off from that of Avatar Aang’s original teachers, the Air Nomads. These spiritual and harmonious people taught Aang, in his words , “to detach myself from the world so my spirit can be free” (Sozin). Many of the Air Nomads and their friends, such as a spiritual brother of the monks named Guru Pathik, hoped to help Aang unlock his spiritual force-centers, or “chakras,” and let go of the worldly concerns that weighed him down. This, in the way Thoreau had, would allow Aang to let go of the worldly concerns that weigh him down. Guru Pathik thought unlocking the spiritual chakras was done by looking deep inside; it was the only way for Aang to gain control over and reach the “Avatar State,” a powerful ability that would allow the Avatar to channel his cosmic powers and perform awesome bending feats. Equally, the Transcendentalists believed that one should look deep inside to unlock their inner self so they could reach oversoul (Lewis). Having harmony both within oneself and with the world around oneself were the only ways for Transcendentalists as well as Aang to reach ultimate goals.

One of the major, prolonged themes of ATLA is that of destiny and free will. Throughout the story, the characters learn to follow their own beliefs and destiny rather the lives society wishes them to live. Likewise, this theme is also a major part of Transcendentalism (Lewis). Early on in the show, it is established that as the only one who can end the war, Aang must eventually fight and kill Firelord Ozai. However, Aang is conflicted as the time nears, as killing goes against all he believes. Eventually, Aang ignores the urging of everyone around him and follows a philosophy put best by Transcendentalist Ralph Waldo Emerson: “Trust instinct to the end, though you can render no reason” (Emerson Quotes). Although he doesn’t kill Ozai, by following his instinct and doing what it is he feels is best, Aang still manages to restore peace to the world. In a similar situation, Prince Zuko of the Fire Nation is banished by his father and convinced throughout the majority of the story that his destiny is to capture the Avatar. However, even when his family takes him back into acceptance after helping with the siege of Ba Sing Se, Zuko never manages to feel fully content with himself. This is because he was following the path set out for him by others. His uncle angrily points this out to him, asking “Is it your own destiny or one that something is trying to force on you?” (Uncle Iroh Quotes). Eventually, Zuko teams up with the Avatar and helps defeat Firelord Ozai. He realizes he must do what it is he wants and in the last episodes sees that, in the words of Emerson, “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment” (Emerson Quotes).

The groundwork of Transcendentalism is based upon an idea that mankind is basically good, and corrupted only by society (American Literature 336). Avatar is also based on the idea about inherent goodness of other people. Uncle Iroh claims many times that his nephew has good in him, but is simply “misguided.” A modern Transcendentalist, Iroh shows compassion toward his nephew despite all that he does wrong. He believes that it is only the problems in his past that scar and make him bad, and Zuko can find the right path if he simply looks deep enough inside himself. In another example, Airbenders are known to naturally believe in the goodness of and respect for all forms of life (Air). Aang, an Airbender, is always willing to give someone a chance and believe they are better than they appear. He often fears hurting others, and like his Air Nomad brothers, Aang advocates a philosophy of nonviolence similar to that revolutionized by Thoreau in his essay “Civil Disobedience” (Air; American Literature 420). When Aang is at his final battle with Firelord Ozai, he says to Ozai, “We don’t have to fight. You have power to end it here and stop what you’re doing” (Sozin). Despite all the horrible things he has done, Aang still believes that Ozai can be good.

In the final episode of ATLA, a creature called the Lion-Turtle gives Aang the final insight before his battle with Firelord Sozin, and essentially delivers what is perhaps the core ideas of Avatar:

The true mind can weather all lies and illusions without being lost. The true heart can touch the poison of hatred without being harmed. From beginning less time, darkness thrives in the void, but always yields to purifying light…To bend another’s energy, your own spirit must be unbendable, or you will be corrupted and destroyed. (Sozin’s Comet)

In an equivalent fashion, Emerson summed up what is the core of being a Transcendentalist in his 1842 treatise, “The Transcendentalist”:

The Transcendentalist adopts the whole connection of spiritual doctrine. He believes in miracle, in the perpetual openness of the human mind to new influx of light and power…He wishes that the spiritual principle should be suffered to demonstrate itself to the end, in all possible applications to the state of man, without the admission of anything unspiritual; that is, anything positive, dogmatic, personal. (Lewis)

Though written more than a century apart, the two excerpts are fascinatingly similar. They speak of empowering a certain individual (one who is true, one as “He”, the Transcendentalist) by allowing him to reach deep inside of himself until the person reaches as well as understand their more open, spiritual level. The similarities show that the core ideas of one idea have been able to shape another; rather, the ideas of the Transcendentalists have managed to influence those of a modern cartoon. ATLA characters such as Uncle Iroh and the Air Nomads stress key details of Transcendentalism—such as inner and nature-based harmony—to achieve some kind of enlightenment. Emerson believed that “nothing can bring peace but yourself,” as many in Avatar also had to find out about their destinies (Emerson Quotes).

The “good” people in the story follow the Transcendentalist idea that mankind is fundamentally good and society is what corrupts them. The Transcendentalists created a movement so everlasting that it’s philosophies are still being applied and in the 21st century. Obscure places such as Earthbending or the Air Nomads are not the only sources of Transcendentalism; the movement espoused such diverse philosophies that Transcendentalism manages to almost appear every day and everywhere in our 21st century. Their timeless ideas helped to create more great television shows, as well as many long-lasting platinum songs and some rising political movements. Looking around, a Transcendentalist sees a culture-rich world shaped and created by their thoughts. The modern-day man on the street sees it too; Transcendentalism has been engrained in his culture and world, and, just perhaps, even in the world inside of him too.

Works Cited

American Literature, Grade 11: Mcdougal Littell Literature Pennsylvania. Boston, Massachusetts : Holt McDougal, 2007. Print.

“Air Nomads.” Avatar Wikia. N.p., n.d. Web. 17 Dec. 2011. <http://avatar.wikia.com/wiki/Air_Nomads&gt;.

“Iroh.” Avatar Wikia. N.p., n.d. Web. 17 Dec. 2011. <http://avatar.wikia.com/wiki/Uncle_Iroh&gt;.

Lewis, Jone Johnson. “Transcendentalism – Definitions.” The Transcendentalists – including Ralph Waldo Emerson – Henry David Thoreau. JoneJohnson Lewis, n.d. Web. 17 Dec. 2011. <http://www.transcendentalists.com/terminology.html&gt;.

“Ralph Waldo Emerson quotes.” ThinkExist. N.p., n.d. Web. 17 Dec. 2011. <http://thinkexist.com/quotes/ralph_waldo_emerson/&gt;.

Sozin’s Comet – Avatar: The Last Airbender. Dir. Lauren MacMullen. Perf. Zach Tyler Ellison. Netflix/Nickelodeon, 2008. Film.

“Uncle Iroh (Character) – Quotes.” The Internet Movie Database (IMDb). N.p., n.d. Web. 17 Dec. 2011. <http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0046909/quotes&gt;.

Wikipedia Contributors. “Avatar: The Last Airbender.” Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. N.p., n.d. Web. 17 Dec. 2011. <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avatar:_The_Last_Airbender&gt;.

 

this post is R Rated. M for Mature. XXX. ok?

So here’s another weird story.

There is this male at my work—he is an International Student from the same country my parents are from but he is very far from a typical international student from our country. He is not a FOB. He’s pretty caught up with our culture. He has normalized himself to Western life. Yeah, there is a small accent but it’s so minuscule and even kind of sweet.

This kid and I have been bonding a lot and we were supposed to go jump into a lake as part of some stupid tradition in our university. I ended up not doing it, neither of us wanted to, but then he began sending me messages like “do you have roommates” “how many” “do you have a TV” and through my short answers he was leading himself into the question of “oh, do you have netflix? wanna hang out?” So yeah, this guy was down for sleeping with me but after he backed himself into that corner he stopped asking questions and I didn’t proceed by inviting him over. (BTW, he ended up jumping in the lake without me. Asshole.)

After this occurrence I began thinking again about sleeping with someone. Yes, ever since the end of October I have been really craving sex—okay, I’m almost always craving sex but I meant I was ready to have sex with someone who was not Bo. I had told my two good friends about it and they laughed at how thirsty I was. I have never done anything with anyone who is not Bo. Since this is a private blog, I’m just going to write about my sexual experiences with Bo and my sexual history in general.

I grew up conservative and knew I was never supposed to date, and as I fell in love with Bo in high school I tried so hard to resist that which I knew I didn’t want to resist. I told him he couldn’t kiss me. We would cuddle and shit so it was pretty stupid of me to say that but I think we secretly enjoyed the over dramatization of our lives (I know we did). One night, when I had snuck out and we were cuddling in his backseat, Bo worked up the guts and just made out with me. IT WAS FUCKING WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!! Why didn’t I do that shit sooner? We moved quickly. Bo had a large penis. I knew it right away even though, well it was my first penis. God, I loved it. It was snuggly and warm and reflexed to the left—cute as fuck. Did not fit. Ouch. I am a small person.

I was mature enough for sex. I was responsible enough for sex. We both were. We had communication. He were open about what we wanted and didn’t want. We were very cautious about protection. We were mature. We were careful. We loved each other and were doing it for that reason. But, I still wasn’t ready for it. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t ready. Once I realized how high his sex drive was I slowly became terrified. My own sexuality had been shamed my whole life and so I was afraid of that as well. If my parents found out I would be ruined. I was a slut, I thought. For the years after it all ended (my relationship with Bo) there were so many reasons I would try to find for the failure, I remember for a time I truly thought it was sex that did it. Sex had ruined us. We should have never had sex. He should have never kissed me. His high sex drive ruined everything.

(I have a high sex drive too, just didn’t acknowledge it).

We were pretty perfect together in bed though, I will say that. And phone sex? We are both experts.

Eventually when we started fucking again this past summer, it really wasn’t as great. He was more forceful and pushy. It was amazing to be in his arms but I had to work to get him to slow down. I gave some amazing BJ’s—by the way, I am great at those. Just fantastic. It’s weird because I had only been with him but I just knew I was.

In the past summer Bo totally got himself in—it wasn’t like he hadn’t put himself inside of me before but nothing like that. It never really worked because frankly, he was so large and I was so small. We also never had an ideal location with a lot of space, privacy, and ability to make me feel comfortable and not tense. The first time he actually fucked me—of course it hurt. The second time it hurt. The third time it hurt. I told one of my best buds about it and he was pretty angry about it…but then again he hated Bo’s guts. Bo had just said that ladies do kind of get the short end of the stick. My friend told me it shouldn’t be feeling that way—Bo was doing it wrong. Well, he was. I was just naive and I didn’t want to lose him and so I didn’t speak up. I knew my friend was right but I just kept myself quiet.

Here’s when I finally worked up the guts to tell Bo the sex was terrible. Our makeout wasn’t that great. I was frustrated because Bo would touch me and things, but NEVER go down on me!!!! It is especially hard because my antidepressants lower my libido and so I need A LOT or warming up. I remember when we were first in love he gushed about how much he loved it, but he never even mentioned trying it in the recent year. In fact, one time I did point in a joke-y manner over text that hey, he hadn’t gone down on me, and he never addressed it. Anyway, I was intimidated as fuck by horny Bo. I would say that he was beautiful and sexy (he is) and he would never say any of it back.  At the end of it, he would just play on his phone and act like it was a funny joke. My self esteem and energy was draining at that point. I would try to have a conversation but he would snapchat with his friends or just show me pictures of his friends or cute girls who were his friends. I pretended to be interested. I went home and cried for the rest of the night. I tried to tell myself he didn’t realize what he was doing. The thing that made it so worse was, we were so sexually compatible before, he had said I was better than the other girls he’s tried, and I didn’t really realize that Bo was just as inexperienced as I was and my mind had exaggerated the extent of his sexscapades, so I was broken by it all. I felt so inferior as a human being. The sex was painful that night. I pretended to enjoy it. He didn’t want to touch me after. I was sitting there in tears but I was talking in a balanced voice (or not talking at all) and he didn’t look up and see me or even look at me to notice. When I went home I knew I had to do something. I sent him a text about how I didn’t like it and I had been pretending and how it hadn’t been going well. I knew a text was shitty but I was just scared and it was late. I would talk to him the next day. He said okay, he would remember that next time.

That was the last time I talked to Bo. He cut me off after that. I decided I never wanted to have sex again anyway, because masturbation is beautiful. No man was ever again going to be able to give me an orgasm. I had to do it myself. And it was way better. Sexual desire is a need that must be fulfilled just like eating or sleeping, and masturbation was the way to go.

I masturbated a lot as a child and leading up to meeting Bo and I always felt a twinge of guilt because I had been told it was wrong and my mom had even caught on before and it was embarrassing af. I read that you would die from too much masturbation. Even after I realized there was nothing wrong and at the least God would rather have us do that than sleep around out of wedlock, I still always felt gross after it was done. Not anymore. I love masturbating. I don’t do it every day or it ruins it. But it is extremely healthy. It has matured me. I never wanted to have sex again.

Eventually I talked to Bo in the first week of the new school year and asked why he cut me off. It was because, as he wrote in a text message, “he was tired of hearing how terrible he was at everything.” I was in pieces for week. I was convinced I had been a devil bitch. I wasn’t sure how to respond. I told him I hated him and loved him at the same time anyway but I had no control over my words so now I believe that the last thing I have left him with is “I hate you.” I don’t hate Bo. Fuck, it hurts even to write about this all. I cried myself to sleep every single night. I was the worst. I was a terrible person. I didn’t deserve life. I would never get this guy back. He was dating one of those cute girls he had showed me a picture of and swore he didn’t have feelings for. I had seen it coming but it hurt so bad. I was a piece of shit that deserved to be treated like shit by me.

I recovered from that. This whole school year has been hard. It was weeks of crying, then those weeks of sleeping, then those weeks of physical stress, then that panic attack a couple weeks ago, and now back here, in libido, afraid of what to do or where I’m going.

Let’s tie this back around. Sleeping with my friend from work. I talked to my best bud, the same one from earlier who is still  my best bud, and he said if I wanted to do it I should. I wanted to. I started fantasizing about it. I started fantasizing about Bo again too which sucked. I had told myself I wasn’t having sex again but man, the physical intimacy was what I really missed. Being with someone else. Yes, no one else was going to get me off, but I wanted to feel another body against mine. I am bisexual and I’ve never been with another woman either—was it really that great of an idea for me to just have said I’m never having sex? I have to say that all the guilt, shame, and fear of sex and my sexuality have really come a long way. I was terrified of sleeping with a stranger and thought I would never do it but I didn’t see shame in it anymore. I didn’t feel afraid or I didn’t feel the weight of the world at having to hide this from my parents. I WAS NOT THE ONLY SECOND GEN DESI KID DOING THIS SHIT. It took me so long to wrap my head around this. To decide I wasn’t going to hell.

I haven’t been sleeping well at all. A few nights ago I was thinking about sex and the kid from work and all that stuff. I think I wanted to sleep with him because there would at least be some kind of emotional connection and I knew he didn’t want a relationship and I don’t want to put anyone through the hell of dealing with me or the stress and guilt from hiding it from my parents, aka the center of my universe and reason I’m not dead. (There’s another guy I’ve also really wanted to be with, but I’ll leave the story of that fucker for another time). I was lonely that night. I wanted to cuddle with someone. That was it. Just be held.

So I redownloaded Tinder, it was probably past 1am. I first downloaded Tinder when I let go of Bo at the end of the last school year and my desi homegirl growing up would send me funny conversations from it all the time so I had to have it. Tinder really is designed to be like a game. As a female on the app you have a huge advantage. I made fun of it a lot at the beginning and have since understood and accept that it is a very legitimate way to meet people.

I was being pretty generous with my right swipes. Whenever  I got a match I sent a message that said “let’s cuddle.” I think 10 went out. I got a reply from a kid named Aaron, who didn’t even begin with the flirting—nope, he was down, he would come get me. Yeah, he went back and forth for a little, and I had a good vibe about it, but I thought in my head: “yeah, I’m not REALLY going to do this.”

Well, I did it. He knew I was very close to flaking on him. It was not awkward when I met him. No, he was totally chill and so was I. Aaron is a great cuddler. He’s a player, a real asshole, but I think that’s a facade behind insecurities and deeper things he wants to share with the world, and his sex drive has just overpowered everything. He does stand up, and I asked him what he talks about and he said “banging.” So I’m with a guy much more experienced than me. I told him this. I even told him I had depression. He was really sweet. We made out. Not as good as Bo. But everything else was great. His penis, probably a normal size, and oh my gosh how much better it was inside of me. I had a new favorite penis—one that actually fit me. I’m not going to say the sex was totally comfortable, because I am still new at this all. In fact, I felt like I was gonna pee and I knew he was probably hitting my bladder or curved the wrong way or something. But it was still great. I had the energy to keep going. It was just great. I can keep gushing. 

I had come to his place with a duffel bag and didn’t realize right away I had just invited myself over and that it wasn’t a normal thing to do, but I went along with it and he was fine. I got him to talk to me a lot about personal things. He said he wouldn’t cuddle me in the night, but nope, I got him to do that too. He said he doesn’t usually do that, and maybe he was lying to make me feel special, but I don’t even give a shit. I am lucky. I am one lucky gal. Lucky as shit. My “one night stand” rocked. I was totally safe. Sex was pretty great. Guy was sweet. And hot. And for whatever reason, I never freaked out, I went along just fine. He called me nugget. It was cute as shit. In the morning we did it again. It wasn’t awkward in the morning either, like a friend had said it would be. I wanted to make breakfast but I had to go to work and he dropped me off. Luckily, my one coworker who jumped in the lake wasn’t there to complicate my feelings.

I feel so freed. Aaron is the first person I have slept with since Bo. God I feel great and so proud of myself. This has been such a great moment in my life. I can’t wait to share it with my best bud when he has a moment. I can’t put into words how happy I am by the whole thing. I hope I see this guy again before I leave for winter break—I mean, we followed each other on Instagram and have each other’s cell, so that’s something, right?

At least one victory has been made in this terrible, depressing span of four months. Thanks, Aaron from Tinder.

A Weekend Update

Well, here I am, not quite sure where to proceed. Soon this semester will be over.

My therapist wants me to try something called Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) where I go to the hospital every night for treatment and individualized therapy over anywhere from a 4 week to a 12 week period. There is one here in my college city’s hospital and one in Indianapolis through the hospital my dad works with. I don’t know if I totally understand the program or not but I know I don’t know how I feel about it. I am sick and tired of therapy. I am sick and tired of drugs. I just want to go on living. If I freak out sometimes and I can’t get out of bed and I fail, so be it. With practice, maybe I’ll start doing it less and less. That’s all I need—practice doing life. When I’m in therapy I feel like I am learning about doing life or in some kind of off pull place—but as I mentioned once before I hate school. And I’ve been in it for so long. At this point I just want to practice. I want to practice life, and I have a lot of opportunities for it, so stop pulling me out, is what my insides are screaming.

But then again, I don’t really know what’s good for me, do I?

The wound is the place where the Light enters you.

-Rumi