Reader, I have some news, and if you’ve been following the theme of this blog, well, it isn’t great news.
Let me start by posting this video.
I watched this video a while ago while I was going through posts on Facebook for the World Suicide Awareness Day. I was so ready to die. I read about all those people who had died and they were all strangers, but I wept a lot. Someone had posted this video, a small talk by existentialist therapist Emmy van Deurzan. After looking over all these people who lost their battle and the family members who were posting and mourning for them, I was hurt and sad inside. I watched this video and Emmy very much touched me. I cried and felt that she was talking so directly to me. Listening to her in the background of writing this is already making me feel emotional again. Hopefully, I will be watching more of her videos sometime soon.
Emmy mentions in the video that perhaps I just need a long rest. I think I kind of started to do this over the weekend.
Through Saturday I worked on my ceramics project extensively. I had a lot of homework to do and thought it would be wise to finish all of that manual labor Saturday and leave paper studying for Sunday. This was wise planning, but instead I slept through all of Sunday. I came home Saturday after throwing [clay] and went straight to sleep and did not wake until the next day when my parents were calling. On Sunday evening, I went to work for my late night shift and when I returned around 2am I fell asleep quickly. Then I slept through my Monday class and most of Monday I spent asleep. I did eventually leave to go to my volunteering job but since I was exhausted I missed the carpool and had to take the bus. When I returned, I fell straight into bed without changing my clothes. I remember waking up at 11:30pm and remembering I had jeans on but not changing. I woke up again around 3am and changed and re-arranged my sheets, then woke up a couple hours later for work. After I got off work today and returned back to my apartment around 11am, I was due for a shower but I just went back to sleep. I ended up going to my class at 2:20 and then coming back to my room after. I wasted time for a while and then finally showered (something I had been trying to accomplish since Saturday).
That was probably not the most exciting chronicle worth reading for anyone, but I am exhausted and I can’t stop being exhausted and all I wish to do is sleep for another week. I cry often and I slept through appointments with my therapist, psychiatrist, and advisor. I think about him a lot and I crave him and think about him sleeping with someone else. I feel my heart breaking often. I have no energy or enthusiasm. I think about my future wants to work in humanitarian aid and the low likelihood of that dream succeeding (it’s weird to think that I may actually have some kind of “dream” for my future, but I will write about that later). I cry some more. I think about the problems in the world. I cry more. I feel alone and sad and worried and anxious and I miss my family and I cry some more and I get more sleepy–and I want to quit.
So, the news is just that I’ve been sleeping. I’ve been sleeping and sleeping and I will probably continue to neglect schoolwork and instead sleep. I do want to quit. I want to die. But I will sleep instead. It is a bad thing that I keep sleeping now and I know it won’t stop, but I suppose it’s better than killing myself.
I’ll update this next time I’m awake.