I want so badly to set the world on fire.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t see myself recovering.

I started writing this because I want to recover, I truly truly do. I don’t want to feel this way and I do want to try, and I had felt it more than ever. But I just don’t see it happening. I don’t see myself ever recovering from this. I can’t imagine a day where I don’t cry. I don’t see myself recovering because of him.

Yes, I am depressed because of you and I have always been careful not to say that but it really is. You are the main contribution to my depression. My fall was so tied up in you and so any attempt to reflect disallows me from letting go. I can’t let go because I let myself submit to you. I can’t let go because I sacrificed so much for you. I can’t let go because I am obsessed with you. I can’t let go because you promised me you would spend your life with me and I believed it. I can’t let go because you hurt me so much. I can’t let go because you treat me differently. I can’t let go because I believe in justice and what was done to me wasn’t just and I can’t accept it no matter how hard I try. I can’t let go because you were the first real friend that I ever had and I find it hard to believe I will ever have another. I can’t let go because you know too much about me. I can’t let go because I care too much. I can’t let go because I give away my dignity for you. I can’t let go because I lied to be with you. I can’t let go because I’m so ashamed and I want to justify my actions even though there is no justification for it. I can’t let go because you lied to me. I can’t let go!!!!!!!! I don’t know what to do. How is it possible that one person can leave such a scar on you? I feel like half a person. I’m tired of people telling me all these ways to let go because it is not working!!!!!! Nothing has worked. I can’t let go because I feel like I have no other option. I can’t let go because I feel like a slut and whore. I can’t let go I just can’t do it I can’t. I just want to stand back now and watch my life fall apart from afar. I just want to do anything please anything to make this stop. It is so difficult to keep going. I can’t do it. I can’t stop thinking about him. Every thought consumed by you. I have no free will. I am codependent. At this point I don’t even think I love you yet I can’t even still let go–I won’t let myself let go!!!! How ridiculous is that? I won’t let myself let go. I will forgive and forgive and jump right back in if given the opportunity. I will give up everything I have to have him back. I surrender. I surrender even my religion.

This pain is so breathtakingly overwhelming. I am so angry and I want so badly to set the world on fire.

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