I have moved back into college and it already feels like I’ve been here for a long time–weeks, really. I am upset and antsy at the fact that things aren’t moving faster, that I’m still entering my syllabi into my calendar and I’m not feeling flooded with work yet or working late on an essay. I crave the thick of it all so badly–the waiting period is so lonely. Should I call this person? When will I see him or her again?–should I wait until class and there’s work to do and events to go to or just reach out? The idea of reaching out sucks, so I just want it to be in the middle.
And then I go feeling sorry for myself. Waaahhh, I’m so alone. No one wants to hang out with me. I just want someone to hang out with. Or to eat dinner with or laugh with or lay in silence with. But the thing is, there are people. There are. I can hang out with them if I want. It’s just that I came here with that mentality already engraved in me, and I’m surprised enough that there are people who are available that it weighs on me. All the work it will take. So I go on alone. I walk around alone. I work out alone. I eat lunch alone. I don’t text anyone. I go to the library alone. I lay out in the grass alone. I leave my apartment in silence and return that way. And I’ll feel lonely about it all, but I won’t do anything.
I miss Bo and that makes me seethingly angry. I don’t really miss him, I miss the idea of him. But that’s still vaguely related to him and so it makes me think of him and the fact that he is a human being that I shared experiences with and I want to share more experience with–despite the fact that this person I want to share experiences with not the one I’m imagining. Does that make any sense, Reader? I’ve referenced this novel before, but maybe the fact that I hated Paper Towns by John Green (or it was my least favorite Green book, to be more accurate), is because I relate to it too goddamn much. The thing is, the end sucked, because I know Q will still think of Margo. He’ll still think of her and daydream of her but it’s not her and it’s stupid as shit.
I have trouble sleeping at night and getting up and talking on the phone to my parents and just generally moving and thinking and eating but, if you were to look at a file of me in the past week, I’m doing just fine. it’s not liking I’m doing badly. I’m making it to work semi on time. I’ve only really missed two classes, and they weren’t because of blatant disregard. Okay, maybe it was, but it was because I’m fucking depressed, and when you’re fucking depressed, your mind blatantly disregards that which you want. I’m eating. I’m even starting to exercise! I’m very kind and positive while at work and while in class. I don’t zone out and I’m diligent and I’ve gotten any work done ahead of time.
But what is most important is that I am thinking relatively positive. Well, maybe not thinking positive per say, but I’m able to work out positive spins on things, which before, was like trying to speak German–I just don’t know how. It’s okay that I was a few minutes late because I ate a bowl of cheerios and it’s more important that I eat and I feel a lot of energy for that. I saw a helicopter in the air today, and it went the direction of the hospital, and I thought “man, someone is sick or in urgent need probably and I’m sad that someone is sick and that people are sick and for their family members.” (NOTE: I don’t know why I just don’t see a helicopter, and think, hey, a helicopter. As harmful as my statistics teacher taught me it is, I am an adherent of extrapolation, a devil who toys with correlation without causation) But then I thought, wow, how great it is that we have all this technology to transport people and if someone is in the helicopter on the edge of life, they have a good chance of surviving because that helicopter went overhead and has taken them to a place where they can get care.
I know there is no recipe to fixing depression, but I am learning these new skills and that is great. So, although the title of this post makes it sound bad, I’ll end it on this positive note of me showing some improvement or cause for improvement.
But, to be honest, that’s actually pretty terrifying too.