What am I What am I doing, What am I What am I Saying
Soon I will be leaving home and I feel like I need to finish all the projects I started but never finished within a week. I know this won’t happen because once I finish one I’ll think of another I hadn’t finished that I forgot about and I’ll do that too.
Lately I’ve been doing okay. I slept very well last night but tonight I am still awake–but that’s mostly my fault. I’m catching up on TV shows before I have to leave home. Don’t worry, I’m just waiting for this to buffer and I will be fully asleep by 1:45.
Today was one of those days that I couldn’t wait to end. I have this phrase–“Tomorrow make everything better.” If you just go to sleep and wake up in the morning often the fears and arguments will be washed away, or at least that’s how it’s been in my household. My parents argue a lot and so everyone will start arguing. The feelings that get hurt don’t necessarily never get brought up again, but the next day everything mellows, everything is better. I think that’s where I first came up with that thought. It was one of those bad days with my parents arguing and crying and shouting and I knew the next day they would go on as if it had never happened, and I just wanted so badly for it to be tomorrow. I wanted to sleep and wake up and move on.
In another way, those who are struggling know the phrase “time heals all wounds.” Often the problem I have with the time advice, which I’ve heard over and over and over and over and over and I tire of it, is that after a while of hearing it, I realized, but, what am I supposed to do in between? Time heals everything. But how much time? What should do I while I wait? I will wait, I will, but what should I do while I wait? It’s frustrating to wait, and I don’t try to speed it up if it can’t be, but what should I do? What should I do in between?
Eventually, after months of that thought, thinking that I am stuck in the “in between” I thought, when will I know? In our minds we can sometimes imagine ourselves recovering from things. Surely, in five years, I will have another dog, and I will have gotten over the death of Spot. But then the mourning keeps on going and you wonder, how will I know when it’s time to stop grieving, or when I will be able to stop grieving? When will I recover?
I think that’s what led me to start this whole thing of writing anyway–I realized I couldn’t handle this depression. It was eating me and I hate it and I want to get rid of it so bad so bad so bad and I am ready to get rid of it. I’m ready for it to go away and I want it to go away (sometimes, when you’re depressed, you’re not really sure whether or not you want it to go away, but I do at this point.). So I tried to ask, what am I looking for? And there was no answer. Yes, I understand the concept of gradual healing but when will I be able to say “I had depression.” or “I recovered from a mental illness.” ? If you have a broken arm, it heals, and they can do another X-ray or check it or whatever and your arm is obviously alright again. But how about people like us? When do we know?
That is the itching question I have on my mind.
So, tomorrows make everything better. I think I liked that phrase so much better because tomorrow is not time. Tomorrow is an increment. Something I can have control of reaching, a tomorrow, not so infinite and unrestrained as time. With tomorrows I am not in a waiting room, trapped. Tomorrows are tomorrows. They’ll be there and they will make it better. What an amazing concept, a tomorrow is.
Maybe I should just go to sleep