I’ve been visiting family. I know my parents were worried about family politics beforehand—both of them talked to my sisters and me about it. They had different fears.
But without thinking every moment here has been a calculated hello, thank you, kiss on each cheek!, a hug there, a thank you there, a snarky comment to make everyone giggle. I know it so well. It’s like a machine—or maybe rather mechanics in my brain. Several mechanics, engineers really, working on what to say when, taking cues, copying others movements, and inputting and then outputting what is best. I am socializing. This is me socializing.
So, sometimes I guess it can be conscious doing, however around these relatives and around these people of this culture there’s a special way to talk that turns on like a motion sensor light switch, except these people are what is sensed and I am the motion. These people are gossips and can ruin our lives! But who cares? My parents do. And that’s it. Those are the only people through which I can care about caring about what I do, and my engineers are on their payroll now. Once upon a time it was just a thing I always did but I broke.
So here’s the question: Am I happy? It’s either yes, I am, or at least I’m enjoying myself or too busy to contemplate on my sadness (hint, it’s the latter). Yeah, I can live like this. It’s not so much work, right? Right. I mean I’m sure the engineers need a break and I will give them those—in solitude. But why? Why do this? Why live letting your mind be controlled by the engineers created to please others or keep the peace or mind someone else’s thoughts?
So many people in my family just dislike each other for no real reason. They’ll use anything to dislike one another! Never does someone have an excuse or is allowed to do something wrong with forgiveness. Never can someone just have a bad day or have been through a lot or just be the way they are. Never can someone just want privacy every once in a while or do something embarrassing without being blamed. How are these people living?
Okay, that was just a diss on my family. Now, back to my own thoughts. I let socializing go. Now, I’m bad at people. This trip, I’ve worked really hard to be good at people and I have been, I can be, I just don’t want to. I’m okay with hating people. I’m okay with not being good at making friends. I’m okay with wanting to be alone and letting myself scream and get overwhelmed easily despite the fact that I can handle it if I tried. I don’t want to.
When I acknowledge the inherent toxicity of people, I feel healthier. This doesn’t mean that I can’t have friends or relationships. It’s just that I can learn to live knowing I can’t fully live using engineers. I can be scared and childish and that’s okay, that’s who I really am. Frankly, if we all REALLY knew another person, it’s almost assured that we would hate them, because we all really suck (maybe that’s why families fight). Not entirely related to REALLY knowing another person but easily confused with, there’s also a beautiful power in expressing what you feel and allowing vulnerability.
I could never really last long in this web of taking cues and hellos and thank you’s at the right moment and goodbyes and I apologizes when needed and saying this and that at just the right moment.
The toxicity of people is a factor for my depression.
Endless Repetition by Michael Pardo | Flickr
The artist writes as a caption for this picture: Mathematically dividing the number 1 by the number 3 results in a number that cannot be written with a finite amount of digits (one would have to continue to write additional threes after the decimal place without ever stopping). However it is possible to divide the number 1 by the number 2 and finish writing digits very quickly (0.5). This is the reason that was provided by a high school physics teacher to prove the it was impossible to divide anything into equal thirds, but possible to divide things into equal halves. […]