Last night, I cried a lot last night and thought a lot about love. It was very lonely and it lasted for at least an hour. But, I allow myself to cry sometimes. Often, I think we try too hard to be strong and to just calm ourselves down. It’s easier to trudge through it. And, honestly, it may make you feel better after a while. So yeah, I allow myself to cry. And I will also, occasionally, allow myself to just get unbelievably mad at the world–which happens in junction with the crying.
I think it would be nice to write down those thoughts I felt, but I will write about it soon.
I was thinking deeply about the song “Spaceman” by the Killers. We had guests over earlier this month and I wanted to color something and I told my sister to do the same–but she made some stupid argument about how she had no imagination. But, she asked me to make a spaceman on a beach in an astronaut suit, and have earth in the background far away. I did that and on the top I wrote:
The star maker says, “It ain’t so bad”
The dream maker’s going make you mad
The spaceman says, “Everybody look down
Its all in your mind”
I’m not sure if my sister knows whether or not this song is really about a failed suicide attempt.
The starmaker, the friend who thinks you’ve overreacted
The dream maker, the eternal optimist who tells you to just wait for the future
The spaceman, the doctor who tells all the people that this was all in your mind.
It started with a low light,
Next thing I knew they ripped me from my bed,
And then they took my blood type,
It left a strange impression in my head.
You know that I was hoping,
That I could leave this star-crossed world behind,
But when they cut me open,
I guess that changed my mind.
It was late at night and I had no idea where my roommate was. I was angry and crying and hurt and I just couldn’t do it–I wanted to die. Actually, it was homecoming night, and that’s usually not a huge deal at college, but there were a lot of people out partying, and I had walked out to that intersection on high street.
There was a crane above our building because of construction. It’d been there since the beginning of the year. Of course, on any college campus, it’s not hard to find the dirt and machinery of a construction site nearby.
Can I write about the rest? I hate admitting that it happened that I can’t even write the full truth on something only I read. I wanted to die because of many reasons, but Bo had done it. He had hurt me. We had been talking over iMessage. Now here is a really terrible thing, when he’s caught between two people, he tells me: “I just don’t want to lose my best friend.” And then you find out they’re not talking about you. And then you can say you’re leaving but it hurts so fucking bad–because they don’t care.
I was shaking and terrified as I stood out there below the crane. Did I want to die? Yes, I did, but I wasn’t brave enough to do it. But I felt like I was already dying. I think I lied in the dirt, I thought of jumping off something, but I couldn’t. I just lay on the ground–I’m not really sure. Maybe I did. I think I was walking back and forth and must have been making noises, but I was behind a fence. I think I touched that fence a lot. Cold, cold, cold, silver diamonds. I must have pushed my face against it and made imprints. Actually, I have no idea, but that sounds right. I know I was wearing pajamas and I did have my keys and wallet. I don’t think I’d walked outside thinking death right away–maybe I thought I just needed some air or just wanted to walk and walk and walk. But I completely lost it. I was loosing track of my breaths and I was pulsating out these tears and heaves. I was so angry that I couldn’t kill myself–because dying was the only thing I wanted then. I thought about my family but I thought if my parents loved me, wouldn’t they understand? And why would it matter what happens…I won’t be there. I won’t be a part of it. I absolutely felt my insides breaking in half. The pain was excruciating beyond description.
I never really made it clear [to my family] whether it was me or someone else who called 911. I might have attracted the attention of someone else, but no one did anything. It was late, and people were probably drunk, and they would have had to climb over the fence. By the way, I didn’t climb over the fence. There was a door that opened into the area that you weren’t supposed to open.
Well, I called 911. It was surreal dialing those numbers. Like I was in some movie–and I had no idea what was going to happen. The dispatcher picked up and I think I might have just listened to his voice for a while, but he probably heard my sobs. I told the dispatcher I was killing myself. I don’t know how he could have understood what I was saying. He asked my why I was going to kill myself and I don’t even know what I said. He said he couldn’t let me do that and I didn’t respond. Or maybe I did. I don’t know. I couldn’t say my name or the name of my dorm, but I got a location, I think I said something about high street…well, actually I did. The Lane and High intersection. There are lights on it and pedestrians have to cross there because otherwise, you wouldn’t be able to walk further on one side because of construction. So, it’s a reasonably busy intersection.
The dispatcher told me an ambulance was coming for me. I don’t know if I felt relieved. I know the dispatcher was talking to me and it was calming me down at least a fraction, even if I didn’t realize it at the time. I heard the ambulance in the distance and he kept asking me if I heard and I just kept asking if it was coming? So, soon enough there’s these flashing lights and the noise is so loud and hurt me and I was walking in the middle of the traffic. I could have easily been run over and but people went around me. The dispatcher was asking me to wave or make myself noticeable but I don’t know if I did that. I have a feeling that someone who went around me in a car inferred that the ambulance was for me, and signaled the paramedic. Someone’s hands were eventually around me. He took my phone and ended the call and then I was picked up and then there were bright lights.
So, all the events right before that ambulance? Nothing. A guy upset me, I went outside, cried, walked around in the dirt in my pajamas, and then called for an ambulance. It started with a low light.